Notes from the Hedges Study Guide by John Perrodin

The following are notes taken from the study guide at the end of the book.. This is information shared by John Perrodin and not my own original content.

Chap. 1 The Tangled Web

Investing the emotional energy and time on another individual other than your spouse is inappropriate.

Pam’s 5 Reasons For A Life-long Marriage:
1. To honor God
2. Because I Love My Husband
3. Because I Love My Children
4. I Enjoy Being Married
5. To Advance the Kingdom of God (That others may desire marriage, establish strong families and refuse alternative lifestyles that are destructive to the Kingdom.)

Chap. 2 The Changing Climate

You can be married for years and still develop a crush on someone.

Don’t treat a new friend of the opposite sex the way you treat an old, respected friend. Refrain from touching them, being alone with them, flirting with them (even in jest), or saying anything to them you wouldn’t say if your spouse of God were there.

Married people should be very careful of relationships with members of the opposite sex.

We must plant hedges well in advance of even meeting someone else. Hedges nip marriage threatening relationships before they get started.

Women, in record numbers are cheating on their husbands. Why? They are often ignored by busy husbands and find companionship with lonely, unattached men, unless well-tended hedges are in place.

A person with as perfect a spouse as one could ever want is till capable of lust. A senseless seeking of lust can destroy both individuals and their families. If a person does not fear his own potential and construct a hedge around himself and his marriage, he heads for disaster.

Chap. 3 Don’t Blame God

Sexual temptation can overwhelm us before we know it. The Bible instructs us to flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Our only hope is to run and get away from the situation.

Only by understanding mutual weaknesses can a husband and wife truly help each other overcome the shame and pain of personal points of temptation. Confess to your spouse privately and be blunt about your struggles. Pray together for strength and talk about what makes it easier (or more difficult) to resist temptation.

An adulterous relationship based purely on appearance is shallow and ultimately meaningless. If we exalt appearance over substance, we pervert the natural attraction between the sexes that God planned.

Chap. 4 The Dynamics of Flirtation

Extra-marital flirting is mental and emotional unfaithfulness. It is exercising a portion of your brain and soul that should be reserved for your exclusive lover.

Our time and money should go toward keeping our own relationship vibrant, not diffused and diverted by flirting with someone else.

Marital flirting (with your spouse) is no different than adolescent flirting – only everything you’re thinking about and hoping will come of it is legal, normal, acceptable and beautiful. Marital flirting is fun and safe.

Flirting can be a good and natural part of a person’s progression toward true love. God made us able to respond emotionally and physically to attention from the opposite sex.

Share heart to heart, with your spouse, the concerns you have about family, friends or co-workers who push the line of propriety.

If you have acted inappropriately, talk to your spouse about the situation and how you can avoid it in the future. You made a sacred vow to remain pure for your spouse.

Chap. 5 The Biblical Basis For Hedges

We don’t have the right to have someone of the opposite sex as a close friend when we are married. It slowly kills our spouse.

Find ways that you can set an example of purity and faithfulness that will have a lasting impact on others.

If the Bible puts adultery in the same class as murder, it is a threat not only to our marriage, but also to our very lives.

Chap. 6 The Power Of Self-Deception

Self-deception and rationalization will keep one from maintaining the hedges around their heart. The pattern will repeat itself as long as the individual refuses to flee. There is no other defense or option.

Couples often feel they are too busy to pray together.

We need to acknowledge our problem areas. Why do couples construct facades rather than looking at each other eye-to-eye. Can we really hide who we are from ourselves, others or God?

The only future in self-deceit is ruin. Take time to share with your spouse your weaknesses regarding sexual temptations.

Chap. 7 Two’s Company; Three’s Security

If we abstain from even the appearance of evil, we will also abstain from evil itself.

Meetings with the opposite sex should only take place in public or with at least one other person present. That provides protection for everyone involved, first for their reputations and finally against temptation.

Abstaining from even the appearance of evil has fallen into disfavor in certain Christian circles. Many prefer to dwell on their freedoms rather than hemming themselves in.

It takes discipline but we can set patterns of faithfulness that protect our marriages.

There is something personal and even intimate about eating with someone. It’s a time to relax, to sit close and to open up. Intimate conversation over a delicious dinner can open your heart and soul to your companion. Such setting might lower inhibitions and allow for inappropriate topics between co-workers or even strangers.

It’s easy to morph into someone we’re not when away from home. The price of suspicion is high, and the price of infidelity is even higher.

Chap. 8 Touchy, Touchy!

Humans need companionship. That’s why the power of touch can be so overwhelming.

If touch isn’t an issue with you, be sensitive to the attitudes and interpretations of those you choose to touch. Others may have weaknesses that you do not. It’s not always appropriate to embrace even a Christian of the opposite sex. For some, such openness to touching and hugging can be a problem.

What began as a spiritual expression of brotherly and sisterly love has ended in vulnerability and even an affair leading to ended marriages or pre-marital sex.

Chap. 9 Some Compliments Don’t Pay

Protect the hedge of marital intimacy. If nothing else, divorce can be financially crushing.

The surest way to ward off inappropriate come-ons and to protect your marriage is by openly acknowledging and proclaiming your love for your spouse.

Honest encouragement is one of the best ways a husband or wife can lead a spouse to “pursue what is good.” (1 Thess 5:12-18) Commit to improve how you offer praise and tender advice.

Be careful that compliments about others don’t cross the line.

Chap. 10 Looking Down The Barrel Of A Loaded Gun

Flattery, flirtation, suggestive jesting and what we say to our own spouses are all shades of the same color. Words can thrill, delight, entice and excite. Beware of the power of the tongue.

The real danger of flirtation comes when you pretend to be teasing but you would really love to do just what you’re suggesting.

Get down to some serious flirting with your spouse. Incorporate caring signs of affection into your daily relationship.

Chap. 11 Memories

Repeating your wedding vows frequently allows couples to better understand and reflect upon what they promised before God, friends and each other.

Vows are meant to be honored, becoming more solid and treasured over time.

Imagine what a spouse who has taken back a partner who slept with another must go through to enjoy the marriage bed again.

Chap. 12 Quality Time vs. Quantity Time

Strive to provide a model of love and caring and interdependence for your children. Show them what it means to make and keep a commitment, to set out on a lifetime of love with no wavering, no excuses, and no me-first philosophies. Your actions will speak volumes.

Children grow up so quickly. Unless we savor our time with them, one day we’ll wake up regretting our selfishness.

Chap. 13 Everybody Loves A Love Story

Recall the details of your early love. The longer you go without doing it, the easier it is to forget. By retelling our stories over and over through the years, we solidify in our minds the things that attracted us to our mates in the first place. That’s a powerful, positive way to nurture romance.

Humor can keep a couple sane even during tough times.

Make your love story so familiar that it becomes part of the fabric of your being. It should become a legend shared through the generations. Grow a family tree that defies all odds and boasts marriage after marriage of stability, strength, and longevity.

Chap. 14 When Victory Comes

Note areas where you need to see the greatest improvement in your boundaries. Know yourself, understand the dangers in your weak areas, and do something practical and concrete about them.

Remind yourself why you want to remain true to your spouse. Go through family albums as a couple. Review pictures of your children, your happy home and the fun times you’ve shared. Renew your commitment to keeping this joy in your life by remaining fully faithful to one another. Seal your promise with a kiss.

Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It by Jerry B. Jenkins

This is a very practical book that sheds insight on how to protect your marriage before trouble arises. The content of this book not only applies to the married but is also useful information for singles to apply to their relationships before marriage as well. The following are notes taken as I read the book. This is information shared by Jerry B. Jenkins and not my own original content.

Introduction

“No trespassing” should be the sign on every man and woman’s heart when it comes to the relationship God has given him or her to protect, honor, and cherish.

Psalm 89:40 implies that strongholds are brought to ruin when hedges are broken down. Job 1:10 implies that Job was so richly blessed – before God allowed him to be tested – because God had made a hedge “around him, around his household, and around all that he had on every side.”

Jesus told parables about landowners who planted vineyards and protected them with hedges. When those hedges wer trampled or removed, ruin came to the precious possessions of those landowners.

People are much more precious than land or holdings. If we can keep from deceiving ourselves about our own resolve and inner strength, we will see the need for healthy hedges that keep love in and infidelity out.

Part I: The Need For Hedges

No one thinks he needs hedges until it’s too late.

What are we to do when temptation rages? If we are weak and have not taken precautions, if we have not applied preventive medicine, we have already failed. The only answer is to plan, to anticipate danger, to plot the escape. The time to plant hedges is before the enemy attacks.

The Biblical Basis for Hedges:

• Leviticus 20:10 Adulterers are put to death.
• Matthew 5:27-28 Lust is adultery
• 1 Corinthians 10:13 People usually apply this verse too late.
• 2 Timothy 2:22 We are not to attack lust; we are to flee. This is the escape that comes with the temptation of lust.
• Psalm 89:40 implies that strongholds are brought to ruin when hedges are broken down.
• Job 1:10 implies that Job was so richly blessed – before God allowed him to be tested – because God had “made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he had on every side.”
• Jesus told parables about landowners who planted vineyards and protected them with hedges. When those hedges were trampled or removed, ruin came to the precious possessions of the landowners.

Part II: How to Start Planting

Here are pragmatic ways to guard ourselves against our weaknesses. We can plant hedges only after we have determined where they must grow.

Jerry’s Hedges:

Hedge No. 1:

Whenever I need to meet or dine or travel with an unrelated woman, I make it a threesome. Should an unavoidable last-minute complication make this impossible, my wife hears it from me first.

Hedge No. 2

I am careful about touching. While I might shake hands or squeeze an arm or a shoulder in greeting, I embrace only dear friends or relatives, and only in front of others.

Hedge No. 3

If I pay a compliment, it is on clothes or hairstyle, not on the person herself. Commenting on a pretty outfit is much different, in my opinion, than telling a woman that she herself looks pretty.

Hedge No. 4

I avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in jest.

Hedge No. 5

I remind my wife often – in writing and orally – that I remember my wedding vows: ‘Keeping you only unto me for as long as we both shall live.” She is not the jealous type, nor has she ever demanded such assurances. She does, however, appreciate my rules and my observance of them.

Hedge No. 6

From the time I got home from work until the children went to bed, I did no writing or office work. That gave me lots of time with the family and for my wife and me to continue to court and date.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. One of the greatest fears of childhood is abandonment. One can only imagine the impact of a broken marriage on a child.

Part III: What Hedges Can Do For Your Family

Telling your story, speaking openly of the hedges in your marriage, protecting yourself and your family from insidious new sources of unacceptable media, and truly practicing the Golden Rule at home will give your spouse and your children a deep sense of love and security.

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